Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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