i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
