If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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