sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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