I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
