I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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