Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
