the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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