So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
