textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
