my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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