also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He felt like a one man threesome
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
