The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
