i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
