My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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