I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
