I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
