all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
