On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
