Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
