Where did you get a picture of my penis
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
