chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
