first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
