1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
