dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
