I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
