My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
