part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
