Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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