I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
