She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Operation Purity has been aborted
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
