From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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