my mouth tastes like poor choices
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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