is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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