Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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