I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
