He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
