My hand turned me down
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
