when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
