I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
