From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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