I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
