I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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