Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I could make wine with my vomit
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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