I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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