Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
