Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
