At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
