If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
