Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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