highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
