ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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