i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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