My liver just broke up with me...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
